Monday, December 6, 2010


110, and probably my toughest day yet. watch out, because whatever i have to say tonight is not going to be very positive and inspiring like i try to normally write..i'm sorry for that. recently we have decided to speak almost always dutch in the house, which is fine i guess. i really didn't think it would stress me out this much but it might be just a combination of things. we went to a play tonight (a christmas carol..the one with scrooge. speaking of which, i feel like scrooge myself right now. bah humbug.) and since i knew the basic outline of the play i decided to actually pay attention and just ended up translating the entire thing in my head for over an hour and thinking way too hard. afterwards we sat with my third host parents and its just weird the amount of stress i felt having to not speak english. my host brother kept saying "nederlands nederlands" and i just wanted to cry because i'm trying as hard as i can, i really am..and sometimes i just can't say what i want to say and its absolutely frustrating. please believe me when i say that i'm trying as hard as i can to learn the language, i really am. it really sucks when trying your hardest isn't good enough for people. nobody here understands because they all speak dutch, french, english, german, family even says random words in italian and greek all the time. as americans its beyond normal for someone to only speak fact its probably weirder if you speak more than just english. its useful, yes of course, but its not common. which culture is right? where do you draw the line and point blank tell someone "hey, unlike you i didn't learn three languages in school..this is really challenging for me and i'm trying my best"..when are you supposed to say that? and even if i say that, nobody can feel the stress that i feel because they've seen other languages all their lives. while calling my dad for some consolation he of course made a joke about asking them next time what a paradiddle or a flamacue was...something totally FOREIGN to most people! anyways, im home now and i took a really long shower thinking that would help but here i am still crying and frustrated. its really stupid actually..and probably quite selfish as well. if you really do give what you get then i must not have gave very much today..stupid eh? well thats about all i have to complain about for now. sorry about that. goodnight.

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